


Painful Mortality

by gleeksfreaksandwannabes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, magnus is not ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 03:32:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8385535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gleeksfreaksandwannabes/pseuds/gleeksfreaksandwannabes
Summary: "They were both naive to think that death wouldn't tear them apart eventually, but Magnus had firmly believed, almost desperately, that it was years away..." Magnus would never be ready to say goodbye to Alec, no matter how much time he got to spend with him...Renamed fic of mine from fanfiction. net





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I make myself cry writing fanfiction... this was one of those times...
> 
> (Also if this looks a little familiar, it's from fanfiction . net, I posted it on there a while ago and I thought I'd post it here too, so enjoy!)
> 
> My [tumblr](gleeksfreaksandwannabes.tumblr.com) is always open for you guys to fangirl with me or just tell me what you think of my stories, and I'd really love it if you'd send me asks!

The first night without Alec had been harder than Magnus had ever even fathomed it could be.

Sure, he had had lovers die in the past, he had lost dear friends to the darkness of the shadow world, but Alec? Alec was his true love, the one person in all his long life who had made him feel whole again; living without him would be agony. 

He had always guarded his heart against real love, partly because of his own immortality, but partly because of the painful mortality that everyone else eventually succumbed to. He had never wanted to put himself through the devastation that was losing someone he cared about again, but with Alec it was like he didn't think about it; none of that mattered when they were together and in love. They were both naive to think that death wouldn't tear them apart eventually, but Magnus had firmly believed, almost desperately, that it was years away, some kind of sadistic alarm clock in the back of his mind he had set the snooze button on. He hadn't expected it to happen so soon...

"What the--?" Magnus' eyes flicked open at the voice, and his heart sank. That voice...

"No," his voice was strangled as he fought to get himself out of the tangle of bedsheets, ruined from all his tossing and turning "God, no!" Magnus wrapped his robe around his body, crossing his arms over his chest protectively, padding slowly out into the living room and doing his best to steady his breathing. All the air left his lungs painfully quickly, however, when he caught sight of the figure in the living room;

Alec was standing in the middle of the room, the moonlight through the silk curtains casting a silver glow that adorned the silhouette of his body.

He was wearing the same clothes he had died in, his black shirt and leather jacket, mercifully, showed no signs of the claw marks from the ravener demon that had taken his life, and if Magnus didn't know any better, he would say that Alec was alive and well, standing before him in the beautiful soft light pouring down on him. He looked positively angelic, and Magnus would have allowed himself to smile if it weren't for the lost expression on Alec's face and the aching of his own heart.

"Wha-- Magnus?" Alec blinked up at the warlock, his expression lighting up as he recognized him "What's going on? Did I fall asleep here again?" Magnus shook his head sadly, his legs barely carrying him to the couch by Alec before they gave out and he sat "Magnus, what happened?" Alec's face fell at his boyfriend's dejected expression, and he let out a shaky breath as he stared at his hands "I'm dead, aren't I?" Magnus was silent for a long while, his eyes on the ground as he fought at the tears stinging there, but he reluctantly brought his head up to answer Alec; he deserved that much.

"Yes, Alexander," his voice was hardly more than a whisper, but it was all he could muster as a tear rolled down his cheek.

"By the Angel..." Alec murmured, his eyes on his shoes, raising them up to look at Magnus before continuing "why am I here?"

Magnus' breath came out shakily as he reluctantly brought his face up to meet Alec's and the shadowhunter kneeled down by the couch; some kind of cruel force had brought him back that night, some sadistic power that wanted to see Magnus in agony, and by god, it was working. He felt a light chilling pressure on his knee, and looked down to see that Alec's hand was resting there gently, cold as the dead, and Magnus let out a shuddering sigh,

"Warlocks--" his voice had cracked and broken off, and he cleared his throat roughly before trying again "immortality leaves warlocks with a kind of connection to the next life," he said quietly "our inability to die gives us a few moments more with those who have before they move on. Torture really," Magnus let out a dejected laugh, and before he could stop himself he was sobbing, hot tears streaming down his face as he buried it in his hands. He felt a chill go down his spine as Alec sat beside him and rubbed his back gently, evidently unaware of how cold he actually was,

"Magnus, I'm so sorry," his voice was heavy with sadness as he spoke, and Magnus let in a shaky breath before sitting up straighter to look at him.

"It's quite alright, Alexander," he said, though it wasn't. "I get to have more time with you, how could that be a bad thing?" the smile he had put on faltered as his eyes glistened with tears, and Alec let out a gentle sigh as he pulled Magnus into his arms. The cold feeling that engulfed him was different now, it was calming, the kind of refreshing cold that washed over you when you swam in the ocean on a hot day, or lay in fresh sheets at night, it relaxed him only slightly, however, and Magnus let out a shaky sigh as Alec pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head,

"I don't know how long we have together--" Alec began.

"Shh," Magnus hushed him, ignoring the twisting of his stomach at the thought of Alec leaving for good "please, my love, don't talk about it,"

"Magnus--"

"Alec, please!" Magnus said desperately as he pulled away to face him, hot tears stinging his eyes again, and he dimly wondered why he hadn't run out yet "It was torture saying goodbye the first time, please just-- just let me have this," his voice had faded as he blinked at the tears, and Alec sighed, nodding reluctantly before Magnus lay back down against his chest, doing his very best to ignore the lack of heartbeat there,

"I'm sorry," Alec said before he could stop himself "I'm sorry it had to be like this,"

"I know, my love," Magnus said gently, his hand finding Alec's and lacing their fingers "I'm sorry too,"

They stayed that way for what felt like forever, wrapped in each other's arms, their hands clasped gently together as Magnus lazily stroked his thumb over the outside of Alec's hand and the shadowhunter pressed the occasional kiss to his hair or temple. They talked, quietly and seldom, about anything and everything; when your time with someone is limited, the filter that coaxes things into a conversation for another time shuts down, because there isn't another time. This was all they had, here and now, to say anything and everything they had wanted to say to each other, speaking in gentle tones soft enough only the other could hear. Because it didn't matter, Alec was only Magnus' in that moment, and Magnus dimly thought that perhaps he would have liked to visit his parabatai or sister before he moved on, but a simple murmur from Alec told him that wasn't the case,

"I love you, Magnus," he said gently, but Magnus barely registered it as the pull of exhaustion threatened to drag him into unconsciousness.

"I love you too, Alexander,"

Magnus awoke the following morning cold, and some part of him hoped that perhaps Alec was still wrapped around him, but he opened his eyes and saw the inevitable; he was lying on his couch alone, resting against one of the pillows, it's scratchy fabric irritating his check, not like the softness of Alec's shirt...

Sighing, Magnus forced himself into a sitting position and rubbed his hands over his eyes, not daring to think about what he looked like, before getting up and slowly making his way to the kitchen to take his phone off the counter. He had four missed calls from Isabelle, two from Clary and, surprisingly, one from Jace. He checked his voicemail out of habit, hardly paying attention to the gentle words of apology coming from Clary or Isabelle asking if he was alright. When he was finished he set the phone down, grabbing a mug from the cupboard above his head and starting the coffee maker. It wasn't until he began to pour the liquid into it that he realized with a dull ache to his chest that it was Alec's mug.

The ache stayed with him the rest of he day as he grimly attended the funeral, bowing his head over Alec's ashes sadly but refusing to let a tear fall; he had cried enough over him the night before, he knew Alec wouldn't want him to hurt like this anymore.

But it did hurt, it hurt like hell. Magnus would go on to say it was the worst pain he had felt in his entire life, like a constant heaviness on his heart, an emptiness when he crawled into bed each night and didn't feel Alec next to him. Over the years, Magnus had learned to push it aside, but it never truly went away, just like Alec would never truly leave him; they were a part of each other, more so than he had ever expected from a shadowhunter, bound together by a love so beautiful and so powerful it hurt to think about, to be a part of, to lose...

Magnus never loved like that again. He never felt anything for anyone again. Alec had given all of his love for him, and Magnus had done the same, leaving him simply living. Century in century out, no spark, no color, just a just a dejected half smile at the thought of Alec always being there, just like the heaviness on his heart.

Magnus would never forget Alexander Lightwood, and he would never sleep on the right side of the bed ever again.


End file.
